Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
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Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Every haunted house movie:
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
my name if I was in the mob
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”