Oh hi lol
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I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
channeling her this year
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
My kid: I鈥檒l look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don鈥檛 you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It鈥檚 so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I鈥橫 ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Whoa 馃槀
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I鈥檓 not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that鈥檚 not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let鈥檚 see what next week brings, other than Child Services.