A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
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Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
just gave your address to some spiders
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons