Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
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Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
I support this random dude and all his protests
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
WHY?!
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid