canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
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(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Everyone’s family
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend