Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
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Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Mountain Goat : )
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon