[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
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Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Buck naked
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off