“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
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Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.