I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
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[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.