chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
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Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”