Impervious: being an admitted pervert
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kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT