Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
You Might Also Like
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
rapatouille
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?