My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
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Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?