My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
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The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it