I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
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Double negatives are never not confusing.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.