I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
You Might Also Like
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
where do you see yourself in five years?
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?