Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
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Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
what kind of cook setting is this??
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
I am laughing way too hard at this.