My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
You Might Also Like
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Mountain Goat : )
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.