馃き馃槀
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People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Good news, I don鈥檛 have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren鈥檛 late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
My kitchen overserved me.
We鈥檙e playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it鈥檚 making me irrationally angry.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I have a friend who鈥檚 SUPER into Shakespeare.
She鈥檚 bardcore.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Found the job I’m suited for
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Me: You鈥檙e going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.