Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
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[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
You can’t rush stupid.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.