[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
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Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo