Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
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When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.