Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
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Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed