stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
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It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother