Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
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13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
When you don’t understand how floors work
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Are we there yet?…
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!