Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
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I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*