did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
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The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.