FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
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[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao