[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
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I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it