Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
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“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”