People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
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ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal