The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
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The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.