Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
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My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
My therapist after every session
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it