reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
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I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
thanksgiving should be called feaster
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh