*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
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My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?