Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
You Might Also Like
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
This could be us… but you playing
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Canada has crack?
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.