hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
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My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds