dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
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i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
🙋♀️
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
My boss called in sick of me
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now