My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
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Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
me, too, girl. me, too.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Damn what did I do next
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
this chia pet tastes awful
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.