confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
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me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
scenes of unspeakable carnage
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
If you want my opinion ask my wife
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.