ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
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“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Breaking news:
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here