[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
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*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
How software testing works
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married