FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
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“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.