It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
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Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.