What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
You Might Also Like
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I’m being attacked 😭
Fluff me with a fork baby
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*