I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
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[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
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Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.