what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
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[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.