I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
You Might Also Like
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.