DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
You Might Also Like
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.