Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
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a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes